Bradxit and why men can’t keep their pants up

 

He has done this to us twice now.

I remember the days of Brennifer. Oh gosh when I heard they got married angels played harps in my heart and rainbows appeared above, fairies skittered about and nothing, absolutely nothing was impossible.

Yes, fairy tales did come true. The perfect prince marrying the perfect princess. They would have the perfect home with a perfect roof and a perfect garden. Their little perfect blonde children would run around in their perfect little dresses and buttoned up shirts. Sigh.

And then…CRASH…along came Ms Jolie. I never liked her. Yes I know she has some lofty labels at the UN, she has done a lot of work for refugee children and all of that. But she broke up Brennifer and that was not on. Rachael did not deserve this!!!!

So my perfect prince was not so perfect after all. The adulterer hooked up with a vixen and now we had Brangelina to deal with. I didn’t care anymore. No matter how many third world countries they visited and how many adopted children they added to their big old mansion, for me it was over. There was no chance in hell he could win back my love. Brad was history. And if he ever called (I have sent him my number) I would have told him so.

Now look what has happened to their “union” – I know, I know, people speak of karma and say Angelina got what she deserved, but I bear no ill will to either of them. Sure my heart snickers a little (along with Jennifer’s. High five, girl) But more importantly, this break up has invoked some deep contemplation in me. What I have been thinking about is this: Why do we seem to hear more stories of cheating by men rather then women? I mean, are we getting a biased narrative? Is the media projecting men as cheaters and shouting out their affairs while women’s liaisons are not reported at all? Or are men really inclined to cheat more than women? Could they be physiologically wired that way? Does it have to do with a sense of entitlement? Is it a social conditioning?

What the hell is going on with all these horny men? They need help! And we, the women, clearly the more intelligent of the species must jump to their rescue.

Taking it upon myself as a social service, I have decided to investigate this most intriguing problem in the hopes that even if I cannot find some logical solution, at least I will be able to create some banter for us to indulge in. So here is a list of your most burning questions and my methodical, precise and scientific (well, some are) answers.

1. Do men cheat more than women?  

There are a bunch of different statistics here, all of which are quite surprising. Some studies show men and women cheat at the same rate but for different reasons. Women cheat because they are looking for connectedness and emotional satisfaction but for men cheating is linked to feelings of self assurance and physical gratification. Some studies even go as far as to show that women are more inclined to be emotionally infidel, ie. develop romantic emotional bonds without necessarily crossing sexual boundaries.

Emotionally, it is possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time but when man and woman decide to marry, the agreement is to remain loyal emotionally, physically and romantically to the spouse alone.

2. Are men wired to cheat?

Biological evidence (i.e., research on biology and reproduction) indicates that long-term monogamy is difficult for humans, both men and women, to achieve—NOT impossible, but difficult. So if you’re in a marriage and you’re not cheating, you’re doing fabulously well! And if you mucked up, well….blame it on Darwin.

3. Is marriage really supposed to be forever?

Look, the vows speak for themselves. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us apart. You’ve read the contract and signed off on the terms, you clicked “I Agree” and keyed in your personal details so you know what the conditions are. That said, every individual is different and it is subjective, each situation is unique. There are so many reasons to stay but there may well be as many reasons to leave. The jury is out on this one.

4. How tall is Brad Pitt?

Brad Pitt is 5 feet 11 inches. He has weighed between 160-185 lbs. He is also known to grow a stubble from time to time (sizzle sizzle)

On a separate note, Leonardo DiCaprio is 6 feet tall. Weird huh? Didn’t you always think he looks kind of short?

5. Did he really cheat on her though?

So here is what we have. My esteemed sources (TMZ, US Weekly, E, People) have passed their verdict. He did. But the other woman has posted an ultrasound image of her blobby baby in the soup of her womb saying she is preggers and implying she is happily married. It is worthwhile to note though that she DID NOT DENY being with Brad. And that baby…hmmmm..let’s see if it is born with the same dreamy eyes and that gorgeous naughty smile.

6. Can you be the next one to marry Brad Pitt?

There is only one answer to this question: IT DEPENDS. Bloody hell what does it depend on, I hear you scream. Calm down, I am going to tell you. Look, it is really very simple. If he actually did cheat on Angelina and the tabloids are true, then hey, what is to stop him from leaving this one for you. We are all worthy of his filthy attention. That is, if you want to go out with a cheating lying snake – which by the way he may very well not be. But he did cheat on Jennifer so yeah, you decide if you will still have him.

7. What’s gonna happen to all these Asian kids they brought back?

This is a tough one. I know this Hollywood couple meant well. But don’t you think it would be very confusing for those poor kids? First, you are yellow or brown or whatever and you end up with blonde parents that are not your real parents. Then you wake up in a mansion in Hollywood with the paparazzi on your arse 24/7. Then to top it all off, your Poppa wants to leave your Momma for a hotter new Momma. So now, they have their real parents back in their own country, these two new movie star parents that brought them back to “give them a better life” and a new Momma who says she is pregnant with someone else’s baby. That totals to five parents and an unlimited free supply of assorted siblings not unlike the Quality Street box of toffees I loved as a kid. There were so many varieties and I always ate too many and they always gave me a stomach ache.

8. Who is this lady he is supposed to have done it with?

She is French. Enough said.

Men, if you are reading this I hope you enjoyed it. Please keep your pants up. A commitment is a commitment. Don’t be a wimp, remember that a pretty face gets old but a good woman lasts forever.

Women, I bet you didn’t know you cheated as much as you do. And hey, if Brad calls you please tell him I said Hi.

p.s.- my views are my own and don’t reflect yours so relax and don’t give me grief about being sexist or racist or whatever. If you no like you no read please.

10 thoughts on “Bradxit and why men can’t keep their pants up

  1. Keep writing keep growing, your style is unique, can hear your voice in your words. You’re already there, the world is your oyster and you are claiming your place in the Sun.

    Like

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